wildspirit's Cancer Blog
September 12, 2008
| more on my situation | Views: 547 |
Thank you all for your encouraging comments.
I was in the process of writing a mini novel to share with you all the things that have been going on with me that are causing much more stress than I can handle at times. But I decided it was getting way to deep and I’ll just list the high points !
I’ve been married for just under 2 years. During this time my hubby’s been in a hostile custody battle over his now 9 year old son. In March of this year we got full custody of him, except he goes to his mom’s every other weekend. I would have thought that finally getting full custody things would mellow out, but NO his ex has been doing everything possible to try and throw a wrench into the new custody schedule. Things that are actually verging on Harassment and we may end up filing charges against her.
The 9 year old has a counselor that’s been involved in this almost from the beginning, she knows the details well and after 1 1/2 years of believing the ex’s twisted version of things and flat out lies and her being able to play the victim very well, enough time finally passed for the counselor to see the ex’s true colors and it was the counselor, with the judges permission to change the custody. The counselor is very aware of everything my hubby’s ex is doing to try and sabotage the new custody schedule and all she is really doing is digging her hole a little deeper. It won’t take much more for her to be getting supervised visitation if she is not very careful.
I’ve been very involved since day one, fighting for what I believe is right. I’ve never seen so much bullsh*t from lawyers and parents in my whole life. I couldn’t just sit back and watch all of this, as much as I wanted to not get involved, my instincts took over and i jumped in with both feet.
My problem with all of this is that it’s been really hard for me because I’ve been fighting for what’s right, but it’s not necessarily what “I” want. The little guy has real issues and although he is making some improvements since being with us full time, I’m not sure how much more of his and his mom’s crap I can take. I wish his mom was a good parent, I wish he could spend more time with her.
But the worst thing that I’m dealing with right now is how my hubby is treating my 17 year old daughter. I know it’s partially due to the stress he is going through in all of this, including and most importantly, me having caner. It seems as though he is taking all his frustrations out on her. She is a really good kid and has been helping me all summer long. Compared to a lot of 17 year old kids, she is just amazing. BUT, he can’t see it that way. All he sees is what she didn’t do, what she should have done, what she “might” do, etc., etc. It doesn’t help that he does not like her best friend at all, but they have been best friends for years and I have no problem with it, but he has really targeted her friend as a sore spot for some reason. The issue is that my daughter does NOT deserve to be treated the way he treats her sometimes. She does not like my hubby at all, in fact she will readily admit to me that she hates him. She does not want to be here, etc., etc. and this just kills me.
Over the last month I have seriously considered leaving him. We’ve had several “talks” if you can call them that, but sometimes they make things worse. I finally told him last night that some of the things he says to me about my daughter, really, really hurt me.
I think I could handle everything else if he would just lay off my daughter. She doesn’t deserve the way he treats her sometimes and I feel so guilty about it and I cannot and will not let it continue. I’m to the point where I need to see some real effort on his part to be more appreciative of her and all that she has done to help our whole family. At the very least he needs to just leave her alone. My daughter turns 18 in 9 months and she is just counting the days till she can move out. This hurts me and I don’t want her last 9 months of living with me to be miserable. To be fair I have to say that she has had her part in making things difficult with my hubby too. They just rub each other the wrong way. She does not like him at all and I think sometimes she does things on purpose to push him. I talk with her a lot about these things, but talking to a 17 year old is well, at least I can say I tried, but they know it all.
I’ve gotten to the point over the last couple of weeks where I have seriously considered leaving. Trying to figure out how the heck I would do it. Not sure where I’d go, my mom has a full house already with my sister and her daughters living there. I have 2 horses I’d have to move somewhere, a dog and a cat, not to mention all my stuff I’d have to put into storage. Now, don’t get me wrong, if things get any worse, I will leave in a heart beat, not worrying about all the details. But my biggest concern is that fact that I’m so fatigued that I get overwhelmed at the thought of it all. Plus I have very little money and I’m not working right now.
I’m not afraid to be alone through the rest of my treatments, etc. My mom and sister are very supportive and would do anything for me. Plus I think being alone would elevate a lot of the stress I’m going through right now.
I do realize that I need to be careful and try not to make any major decisions while I’m under the influence of chemo brain, extreme emotions, etc. And I’ve just started seeing a counselor for myself to help me try to figure this all out. I’ve only seen her once and can’t wait for our second appt.
I know there are ups and downs and good and bad in all relationships, but my goodness the good has to out weight the bad or we are in trouble. I guess I’m at the point of weighing the good and the bad . . . .but I’m a little afraid that the bad will win. I’m also a bit p*ssed off that my hubby just can’t seem to see the bigger picture. We have a lot of potential together and I’d love to see us work it out, but I can’t let it negatively effect my daughter in the meantime.
Ugggg, ok, I thing I still wrote a mini-novel! Thank you everyone for being here for all of us.
Hugs,
Wendy
07.30.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
Dear Wendy; You really do have some major problems here. First, I am glad to hear you have sought some counselling for yourself. I have a thought here. Perhaps she can recommend a marriage counsellor or she is qualified to do that, because without your husband participatiing in this, you have little hope of change. He is an adult that has brought his baggage from his first marriage over to your relationship. There are reasons why his marriage didn’t work out, but he has not faced that, nor will he, without some sort of understanding what went wrong the first time around. 2) Don’t stop your personal counselling sessions either. 3) Your daughter is igniting a mini fire towards your husband because she thinks she is protecting you, and she may just not like him period. Given she can’t move from your home for another 9 months, I’m sure this won’t change till she leaves. This however is not helping you which is what you need to focus on. YOU, Wendy who is going through treatments and living with cancer. 4) Since you have a leadership role here, perhaps you can have a family meeting where everyone gets their say, to air out the situation and find some compromises that everyone can live with. I know that sounds hard but until you all face this together, it will be one against another, dogging the flack. This is not what you need right now. Things have changed and that has to be vocalized. 5) The little boy is suffering from all the changes but he knows how to manipulate his parents pretty well by now. He’s learned the triggers and uses them to his advantage. He’s scared and rightfully so. He needs love and support and if you give him that, he will see where he belongs.
6) Your leaving now will only magnify your emotions and cause a lot of anguish for everyone, including you. I’m sure this is obvious to you but how do you change what is? I hope you can just get over the treatments, rest and hold on. This is a bad ride but it will sort itself out as long as everyone in your household makes an effort. That is why you really need to have a pow wow. No time like the present. Many families go through these trials but I haven’t heard of one that hasn’t had to make changes in order for things to clear up and make way for happier times. If you feel you need a support person there when you do this, that might help, if that person is willing to do it. Someone who is impartial, perhaps the counsellor herself would do this if you asked her to. Anyway these are just a few thoughts to assist you in your quest for some peace. Leaving is not the answer here unless you find it intolerable. Don’t leave it to chance, for that will do nothing but prolong the agony.
I hope you find it in your heart to take a step forward, even though you have taken many thus far with cancer. You see you really do have the power to make the changes necessary, because you are the leader in this fight. I hope I have helped a little. My fondest hopes are in your belief in yourself.
Weezie
Wow! I need to get you in touch with my sister! She has a blended family, psycho exes, and plenty of counsellors! Even the custody battles!
By the time I gave up on my marriage, I couldn’t remember anything good. I couldn’t even tell you why I got married. Through the hard times all the bad things were magnified, and that’s all I could focus on. For my own sake, I agreed to joint counseling. Those sessions were horrible. But we were facing all of our demons. And we were actually talking. Its amazing what can be accomplished just through voicing your thoughts.
You can only do so much on your own. If you can get into family counseling, I think that would help. Its not an easy process. It could actually get worse before it gets better. And I’ve also learned that not all relationships can be saved.
I’m glad you shared. I hope we can help.
Dear Wendy,
My heart goes out for you. But, you truly need to care for yourself first or you will be no help to you daughter. I 110% understand being protective of your daughter (probably one of the major reasons I never remarried after 22 years) Please keep up the counseling for yourself and the family issues, Is it possible that your hubby feels so overwhelmed it doesn’t relize that he is taking this our on your daughter? You will be in my thoughts. P.S. Beautiful picture of the Rose,,,,Patty
Weezie, littleprincess & Patty,
Thank you for the comments. I really appreciate each one of you taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences with me.
I have and will continue to consider most of the things that have been suggested by all of you.
Thank you & big hugs,
Wendy
Wendy,
You are indeed in a very stressful situation and one that you should not have to deal with when you have cancer. I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I understand because my daughter and her ex have been battling about 2 or 3 years. My youngest grandson, really gave his stepfather a very hard time for a year or so but things are better now. It is a very bad situation to be caught between your husband and your daughter. I know you feel like you are being pulled apart. Maybe all of you should try family counseling. Sometimes an impartial person can help sort things out.
My love, thoughts and prayers are with you.
Hugs,
Joyce
You know, I went through what you are going through so I understand. You also have received some great responses to your dilemma.
1. Do not leave at this time. You are in no condition to handle any life changing moves, and leaving could be very detrimental to your health.
2. YOU MUST MAKE YOURSELF #1 in your life. It seems like there is a battle of control, maybe for your love, between your husband and your daughter—she’s almost grown. If at all possible do have a family powwow and tell them what YOU would like for them to do so that YOU can have some peace of mind. You are fighting a life and death battle called cancer and tell them so. Let them know how much this constant battling is tearing you apart—I know—it’s a horrible place to put you in the middle. Don’t accept it. I had to walk out on my oldest son (14) and my 4th husband when they started arguing again for the umpteenth time. I had had it up to here so I said a prayer for my son’s safety and walked out the door. I was no longer going to be the referee, and I wasn’t staying in the house to listen to them. So, I went for a walk. When I came back about an hour later, they both were just fine, thank you, and it was so peaceful.
3. Your husband is a grown man, but he is so overwhelmed with his ex-wife issues and especially your cancer. He is scared for you and all the acting out toward your daughter is to hide it and to vent the anger he feels because he actually feels helpless because he can’t fix your cancer and make you well.
4. Your daughter is a typical teenager and her venting toward your husband is because she feels helpless and afraid and angry about your cancer.
Plus she has had to do more to help you and there is a little resentment there. But oh no, we cannot be angry with someone who is sick. So we hide it because we feel guilty. It comes out in other ways, though—hence the arguments with your husband.
My dear sweet one, hold on. Try to talk them into going to family counseling or if they don’t want to speak out because you are present, maybe they can attend a group just for the loved ones or caregivers of someone who has cancer. Your husband and your daughter need to get their true (and normal) feelings out into the open.
Prayer also helps so I am praying for you and your family. Also sending love and hugs and most of all, understanding. Been there, done that. smile
SweetE2